Who or what would you have the hardest time loving?

   It's hard to feel love for the father of my child. He is angry with me because I left the relationship after we had an abortion before our child in the here and now came along.  I became numb, emotionally dead, couldn't relate to him, lost any will to communicate, lost my respect for him for not saying "YES let's have this child."  I didn't feel I could do it on my own: Had just moved to the area, started a new job, didn't have a support network around me, nor enough money or a suitable home. I blocked Ed emotionally (I was stuck) and after 8 months of him trying to reach me I said clearly,
 "I can't do this, I don't want to do this anymore."
 
 He cut all communication with me. I tried to communicate with him in a light way, but he was completely unreceptive. So, I had Gaia healing, took herbal/flower essences, talked and related. In retrospect, I needed to do much deeper work than that: excavate and get in touch with my anger and rage.  After 2 years, on Christmas eve, I had an over whelming urge to write a long letter, pouring my heart out to him. We got back together too quickly and within 3 months I was pregnant... except this time we were going to have the baby...and we did! There he is, the bubble of love, in the picture.

    I had to move to a larger place before Ruben was born.  I wasn't ready to live with Ed and he was ambivalent about it himself.  He said he would help me move, which he did, 3 months before the baby was due. Soon his help was tainted with resentment, which turned to anger, which turned to aggression because he kept saying that I'd left him after the abortion almost 3 years before. He hadn't dealt with it at all. I think this ties in with the suicide of his mother when he was in his early 20s. All of it was directed at me. As a heavily pregnant, vulnerable woman, this was a nightmare; at the wrath of a 6'4 angry man, walking on eggshells.. SO NOT what I had in mind whilst growing up, dreaming of having a child with my man- my Love.

I can hear my Mother: "What a mess."

  Two weeks after Ruben was born, Ed shook me by the shoulders whilst Ruben was in my arms and I was forced to saying an absolute NO to him. I was sick to my stomach and hated that Ruben was exposed to this energy. How hard to make this decision when the body is hurting from birth, the emotions are blasted open from hormones, the sleep is very little. So much support is needed for new mothers and there I was cutting out the help I hardly had anyway.

Ruben is 2 now and I have been and still am a great, single Mum. Sometimes I get irritated and frustrated being the single carer, but am learning to channel and release this appropriately. I am in touch with Ed each fortnight when Ruben sees him. He is erratic with his emotions and energy with me. I give him much less chance to do that these days and am learning to separate his "shit" from mine so I am not taking on more than I need to. It is hard to feel love for him.

   Ruben's safety? Don't worry. His Dad loves him very much and is a gentle father. Just look at Ruben's picture! He's a happy soul. Better he spends more of his time with one happy parent than two unhappy parents together.